@ArfMeasures

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

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@PencilWalrus

A flamingo in the streets and a lion in the sheets and a kangaroo at Target and I think Carl forgot to lock up the zoo last night.

@michaelianblack

If we all just agree that we’re fine, we’ll never again have to ask each other how we are.

@MunkMania

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

@Ideal_Victoria

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

@_elvishpresley_

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

@preawsaurus

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

@thegayfarmerguy

Doc: You have gallstones
Me: Ugh.
Doc: You can control it with diet.
Me: Great!
Doc: No chocolate, cheese, fried foods…
Me: Take it out.

@Jmboyd58

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )