[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
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I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again