[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

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A flamingo in the streets and a lion in the sheets and a kangaroo at Target and I think Carl forgot to lock up the zoo last night.


If we all just agree that we’re fine, we’ll never again have to ask each other how we are.


[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?


Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.


They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong


the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂


Doc: You have gallstones
Me: Ugh.
Doc: You can control it with diet.
Me: Great!
Doc: No chocolate, cheese, fried foods…
Me: Take it out.


There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.


God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.




God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )