DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

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Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.


*notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself*

‘wait, if that’s here’

*son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*


WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC


Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.


Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you’re the reason why I’m broke. πŸ™


[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”


You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.


dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*


You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.