@bobvulfov

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

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@Mehrwane

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

@Audenary

*notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself*

‘wait, if that’s here’

*son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*

@thenatewolf

WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC

@bourgeoisalien

Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.

@DamiensGate

Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you’re the reason why I’m broke. πŸ™

@thatdutchperson

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

@Donna_McCoy

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

@LlamaInaTux

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

@Willie1derful

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.