“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
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Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
i was baptized in a car wash
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to