has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
date: omg are you wearing a wig?
me: yeah you got a problem with it?
date: it’s not supposed to go on your elbow.
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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.
If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can’t get laid.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Whose got two big strong hands? Asking for a friend on National No Bra day?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.