Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Aaaa…CHOO!
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”