@steeve_again

Date: OMG yay there are 11 nuggets in my 10 piece

Me: [winking as I lock eyes with Genie I met last night] wow really?

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@misfarber

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

@UncleDuke1969

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

@panmidwest

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

@ItsSamG

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

@stevevsninjas

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

@ilovepie84

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

@mela_shea

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

@AsgardianRose

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

@MatCro

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.