Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.