Stupid cats, can’t even YOLO
Date: OMG yay there are 11 nuggets in my 10 piece
Me: [winking as I lock eyes with Genie I met last night] wow really?
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
* Eats chip
* Almost chokes to death
“Woah that was scary”
* Eats another chip
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what