[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Date: OMG yay there are 11 nuggets in my 10 piece
Me: [winking as I lock eyes with Genie I met last night] wow really?
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.