Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
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This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.