Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
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My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*