@TweetPotato314

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

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@LivibelsDada

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

@brunopieroni

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

@9to5Life

Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.

@StranDadAbroad

Them: Would you be interested in coaching soccer?

Me: No, that sounds outside.

@BoomBoomBetty

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

@JohnHilsen

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

@DontDraketheIce

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

@ericsshadow

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.