*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
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4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
Me: Okay, let’s go
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
friend: Try this
me[takes drink] It’s wine
friend: Did you detect a hint of anything?
friend: But what did it taste like?
So I neutered my car yesterday
Neutered my car
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.