You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
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No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.
Them: Would you be interested in coaching soccer?
Me: No, that sounds outside.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.