Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
three things we don’t talk about
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.