@CornOnTheGoblin

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

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@EJGomez

[holding my aunts stupid idiot baby]
what sound does a cow make
“moo!”
good now a dog
“woof woof!”
2 for 2. now…WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE

@java_assassin

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

@MrYeager2

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

@AnOrangeSNES

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

@SardonicTart

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

@ThisLocalHater

Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you still being hunted for sport?

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

@Mom_Overboard

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.