date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

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[holding my aunts stupid idiot baby]
what sound does a cow make
good now a dog
“woof woof!”


I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…


Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is


When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone


9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.


I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.


Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you still being hunted for sport?


ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?


If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.