@mrtruthandsoul
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
@CornOnTheGoblin
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
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@mrtruthandsoul
@LogicLaughs
I’m Not A People Person, Or A Morning Person, Or An Evening Person, Or A Going-Out Person, Or A Staying-In.. I’m Not Even Sure I’m A Person.
@LindaInDisguise
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
@iAchillesHeel
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
@_ElvishPresley_
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
@JohnLyonTweets
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
@Pappiness
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
@fro_vo
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
@Bunnydurden
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
@daynamcalpine_
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists