@EJGomez
[holding my aunts stupid idiot baby]
what sound does a cow make
“moo!”
good now a dog
“woof woof!”
2 for 2. now…WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE
@CornOnTheGoblin
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
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@EJGomez
@java_assassin
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
@MrYeager2
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
@AnOrangeSNES
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
@Pork_Chop_Hair
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
@SardonicTart
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
@RidiculousSheri
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
@ThisLocalHater
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you still being hunted for sport?
@ShortSleeveSuit
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
@Mom_Overboard
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.