date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
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“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?