If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
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Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I wanna hear one person say that their motivation to lose weight was how bad their farts were. Just a guy crying like “it was ripping my family apart.”
Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here