@PleaseBeGneiss

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

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@AristotlesNZ

If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.

@stevefrigley

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

@SamGrittner

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

@Schmoodles

Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.

@ClichedOut

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

@LauraKPeek

I wanna hear one person say that their motivation to lose weight was how bad their farts were. Just a guy crying like “it was ripping my family apart.”

@abhorrent_wife

Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

@karencreets

Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

@pakalupapito

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here