Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Every time my phone rings
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.