Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
You Might Also Like
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people