[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
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I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!