Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
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me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
starting a garage orchestra
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Oh hi lol
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.