Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*