[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
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Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?