DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
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Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.