Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
new record!
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Sniffing the broccoli
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer