Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My work here is don’t.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]