The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
date: so tell me about yourself
me: i am comprised of atoms
date: haha no like what do you do
me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain
date: for like fun, i mean
me: sex and television
alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude
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Makes eye contact with female. Medusa.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.
Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Me: and he rose from the grave
Me: because of the yeast?
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Can’t figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It’s tense!
“The green one dad, not the Red one!”