@captainkalvis

date: so tell me about yourself

me: i am comprised of atoms

date: haha no like what do you do

me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain

date: for like fun, i mean

me: sex and television

alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude

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@GeorgiaSweet20

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

@wicce_podge

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

@rachelle_mandik

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

@HandfulOfLewds

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

@Sickayduh

“Oooh look! Is that a comet?”

– Well, actually the airport is real close by

“Oh ok. Good idea. I’ll call them and ask”

@nayele18maybe

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

@Darlainky

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

@notacroc

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

@professorkiosk

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.