*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
date: so tell me about yourself
me: i am comprised of atoms
date: haha no like what do you do
me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain
date: for like fun, i mean
me: sex and television
alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me: You can talk!
“Oooh look! Is that a comet?”
– Well, actually the airport is real close by
“Oh ok. Good idea. I’ll call them and ask”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.