@captainkalvis

date: so tell me about yourself

me: i am comprised of atoms

date: haha no like what do you do

me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain

date: for like fun, i mean

me: sex and television

alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude

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@pinupteacher

WAITER: Would you like any dessert?

DATE: No, just the ch-

ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.

@c12h22o11balls

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

@funflaps

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

@bumlaser

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

@Mom_Overboard

Hurts So Good is my favorite song about eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.

@philyuck

“Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred.”

“So just the normal way you make a martini then?”

“That’s right.”

@FredTaming

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

@TheTweetOfGod

Stalk your awful ex on Twitter,
Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll.
‘Tis the season to be bitter.
Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll.

@AnOrangeSNES

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

@butterwolf

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.