Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
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me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?