@captainkalvis

date: so tell me about yourself

me: i am comprised of atoms

date: haha no like what do you do

me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain

date: for like fun, i mean

me: sex and television

alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude

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@BoomBoomBetty

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

@ProZD

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

@briangaar

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

@philosophia7

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

@Megatronic13

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

@okimstillhungry

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

@JacobLevenson

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

@thatUPSdude

Can’t figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It’s tense!

“The green one dad, not the Red one!”