My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
thinking about a very short hotdog
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.