DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
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Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Nice try Hitler
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo