@rad_milk

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

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@paulbarbar_II

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

@Brampersandon_

A new study finds that chicken isn’t as healthy for you as once thought. “Just don’t ask to see our data” clucked one feathered researcher.

@thepatrickwalsh

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

@thepunningman

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

@lmegordon

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

@Reverend_Scott

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

@realHamOnWry

What did I learn today?

Red Bull does not give you wings…and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

@portmanteauface

At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found