If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
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I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
“It’s Adam and Eve, not Adamant Eve!” Despite his clever wordplay, Eve stands her ground. ” I’m not doing butt stuff, Adam.”
Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit
[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.