DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

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I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”


A new study finds that chicken isn’t as healthy for you as once thought. “Just don’t ask to see our data” clucked one feathered researcher.


Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear


Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?


Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.


[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks


What did I learn today?

Red Bull does not give you wings…and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.


At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found