DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
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Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I missed you with all my darts
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
This checks out
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.