DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
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DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
These are too funny not to post 😂
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo