@chimneyspotter

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

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@krishna_van

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

@claudefacade

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

@Megatronic13

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

@ZingingCutie

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

@lawyerthoughts

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

@thepunningman

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

@carlyken

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

@Parentpains

I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.

@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

@_ParkerH

hate when people ask if ur on drugs/drunk when ur just having fun like no some of us have the natural personality of a crackhead sorry