DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

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“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”


If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.


Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now


If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.


*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*


A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.


husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it


I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.


While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.


hate when people ask if ur on drugs/drunk when ur just having fun like no some of us have the natural personality of a crackhead sorry