DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
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Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Don’t we all.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*