DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Perfect.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”