Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
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I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I’d love this…lol
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.