date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
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The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Jupiter
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
The fall of Netflix
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.