Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Cardio Made Easy
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.