I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence