@AndrewChamings

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

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@thejayroyal

Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I’m sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?

@iwearaonesie

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

@Test_of_Steron

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

@momtransparent1

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

@AbbieEvansXO

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

@trevso_electric

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

@jonnysun

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

@FeverFlave

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun prank: Find a sleeping spider, crawl in its mouth and lay your eggs. Turn the tables. Give nature the finger. Live it up.