date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
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The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
so this horse walks into a bar
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese