Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”