DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!