@sofarrsogud

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

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@BigJDubz

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

@tigersgoroooar

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

@Midgetspar

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

@GreenishDuck

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

@panmidwest

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

@girl_a_whirl

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

@that1mum

Just realized that my bf never asked me to be his gf and we never established that we are dating. We just like live together and have a baby together. But we don’t have an anniversary or anything. Omg are we dating? Is it too late to ask what are we? What if we are just friends

@iamdevloper

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

@dshack8

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.