Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
As the Lord intended
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.