date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
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I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source