if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
CUTE GIRL AT SCHOOL: wanna come study *bites lower lip* anatomy with me?
ME: nah, i’m not in that class this semester
[creating a sloth]
God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink
Group projects are the best
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
….when optimism gets out of control.