date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
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School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
how high up are we talkin’?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in