date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

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if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires


CUTE GIRL AT SCHOOL: wanna come study *bites lower lip* anatomy with me?

ME: nah, i’m not in that class this semester


[creating a sloth]

God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink


To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0


Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes


“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”