– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No
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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Me: OMG I’m so tired.
Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.
Me: I’m on it.
A: And Cheetos.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too