@Home_Halfway

DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No

You Might Also Like

@AndrewChamings

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

@ohthatbadger

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

@Darlainky

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

@ch000ch

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

@pleatedjeans

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

@ADDiane

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

@thedad

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

@Reel2Dialog2

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms