Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
God: 8 arms
G: with suckie things
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
G: …I ate mushrooms