Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No
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I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
*Slips my number to your dog as I leave your party*
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?
Blue, you racists