@Home_Halfway

DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No

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@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@TallDarkHandsy

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

@jergarl

Me: OMG I’m so tired.

Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.

Me: I’m on it.

A: And Cheetos.

M: K.

@duplicitron

What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.

@rajandelman

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

@thedadvocate01

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

@CroweJam

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

@WilliamAder

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

@LackOfShame

Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.

Her:

Me:

Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*

@spaceboyriley

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too