i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*