Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Quadruple digit IQ
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.