[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Me: guess what I shaved!
Him: your armpits?
Him: your mustache?
Him: your nec-
Me: I don’t wanna play this game anymore
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.