DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
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What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
that’s really how it is
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.