DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

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I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to


Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.


My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter… So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.


When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.


“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever


divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭