Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
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A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend: