Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

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“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”

“Depends how many cars roll over it”

I should do Kids TV shows.


One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.


I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked


You’re the Thelma to my Louise. The Ben to my Jerry. The Kanye to my Kanye.


[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…


I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf


“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob


Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso


He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.