@murrman5

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

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@AimeeHelene1

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

@sir_shithead_I

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

@kevnasto

According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries

@sarcasticmommy4

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

@yonewt

Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice

Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD

@ArrogantBB8

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

@Dutch_50

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

@weinerdog4life

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts