I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
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Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice
Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts