date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
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I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!