Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
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*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.