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“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret