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@weinerdog4life

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

@ch000ch

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

@murrman5

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

@WalkingAnxiety

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

@TheNardvark

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

@OBiiieeee

Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?

@Cpin42

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

@ericsshadow

My wife just texted “I’m too young to die” after they announced her United flight is overbooked.

@wendchymes

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.