@PlopWaffle

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

@daemonic3

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

@minnie_in_pink7

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

@TheRolo

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

@Matt_The_1st

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

@Mulva74

And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.

@PhilLaysheO

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

@VoNwosu

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?