@PlopWaffle

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

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@AnnietheNanny1

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

@HepatitisAtoZ

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

@ayyyyloser

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

@jilli212

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

@vvolfsz

The nominees are

Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio

And the winner is

*opens envelope*

mad max fury road

@_AlanGarner_

My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they’re like “It wasn’t that hard.”

@TheToddWilliams

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

@Yankeegiant72

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

@JohnielDan

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.