me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
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I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –
though she can be devilish at times.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Him: I’m so glad your mine.
Me: *eyes fill with tears* It’s you’re.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
netflix: *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!