Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

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If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.


[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”


“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.


Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year


The nominees are

Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio

And the winner is

*opens envelope*

mad max fury road


My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they’re like “It wasn’t that hard.”



Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn


I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.


Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.