Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
shut up and take my money
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.