Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait


I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt


[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS


Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.


No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.


Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.


I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.


Him: I’m so glad your mine.

Me: *eyes fill with tears* It’s you’re.


me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true


netflix: *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!