Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
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Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.