Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind